Hello and welcome to another round of Random Thoughts from yours truly. I would like to start out by yelling the following...ISHKIBIBBLE!!! Now that the silliness is out of my system (or at least some people hope it is), it's time for me to get going here with the rest of the blog. Enjoy.
- The subtitle, "stuck," is more of a running theme for a few of the blurbs today, including this one. One of the reasons I've been making a big deal about a "new beginning" for myself is I have been working on getting out of a rut that I've been in for the longest time, even with my graduation from OSU and becoming a Christian. I have done some good things throughout all this including working on my blog, keeping up with and regaining contact with people from recent and past times, and being supportive of my friends and family in whatever they're up to. I plan on continuing that stuff because it's important to me. However, outside of a aborted romantic (and toxic) six-month relationship a couple years back, that pretty much sums up all I've done with my life. I've been in a personal and professional holding pattern for as long as I can remember and have barely made any effort in moving my life forward or at least going for what I want to have in my life.
A lot of this has to do with how I've been living my life in general. As long as I can remember I've been living day-to-day, choosing to deal with the immediacy of situations regardless of whether they've been big things that really needed it or small things that I needed to pay attention to whereas others were capable of simply putting it aside or ignoring it. I like to call it "emergency management" because to me it seemed like at any particular point in my life I would regularly deal with some type of problem or crisis or irritation, sometimes constantly, and that whenever I didn't deal with or overlooked something or tried to put it aside it would come back to haunt me and bite me big time. As a result I just kept doing it and continued living it as a way of life.
Several habits and consequences came about as a result of living my life like this. One thing that resulted was that I would hide from the world just so I didn't have to deal with yet another irritation or crisis or conflict due to the sometimes high frequency of them...in other words, I wanted to stay safe so I could just get through the day, something I still do even today. Another is that I had a tendency to wait for good things to happen for me instead of actively pursuing them, like they should have been just handed to me for whatever reason. Part of this entailed me doing a lot of "what-if" thinking which included things like waiting for a person, an event, or even God to come and "save" me from the emergency management I called my life and taking it in some glorious new direction, as well as other things. That is a sense of entitlement that's been hard to shake and sometimes easy to fall back into, especially in times where I was really troubled because it would be akin to me begging for something good to happen. Also, realistic long-term planning was something that became more like a luxury...or rather a casualty of having to deal with what was going on around me at any moment. I am capable of such planning as evidenced by the plan I executed in returning to OSU and getting my college degree several years back, but in the larger picture that seemed more like an exception than the rule. On a regular basis I don't think I've actually planned anything past a couple of months time and it's been that way since I was a teenager. The biggest consequences have generally been tons of possibly good or great but missed opportunities with jobs, people, women, money (especially money), events, etc. Motivation for me to actually do anything would come and go like the wind. People would get baffled by why I didn't do things like romantically pursue women or go for a job that I was supposedly qualified for but didn't even bother to go after or a litany of things. I've been called lazy, stupid, impossible, irresponsible and other colorful language by various people over the years.
Ultimately, living like this has left me feeling like I'm not really a man or at least less of one than I should be...and honestly, I'm sick of it. Doing the emergency management stuff is good in small doses especially in getting out of tight situations but I can tell you from personal experience that this is no way to live your entire life. I know a lot of people have to, but I don't want to any longer so I'm trying to do something about it. It took me a long time to get to a point where I could start dealing, and I mean actually dealing, with this and change the way I live my life. I've still got a long way to go and I still have to deal with some things in an "emergency management" fashion even though I don't want to. I have already talked to a couple people on some of the plans I've been making and will be seeking more counsel as I continue in getting this new beginning off the ground. I've been paying attention to the events and signs around me (from God, from events surrounding me, from events unconnected to me, etc.) and they are showing me that this is the time. Changes will be made and I'm keeping what I mentioned earlier that has helped me along the way, but as to the degree of those changes to be made or what those changes are I cannot say yet because they still need some fleshing out and even I'm not sure what will ultimately come down the pike...the only one who knows that is God. I proclaimed a while back that I was stepping up to make some choices...now I'm stepping up to a new beginning (at least I hope I am). In the future I want to look back at this time and say this was the moment where I started going for what I wanted and everything changed for the better.
- I usually plan what I'm going to write in my blogs before I type them up, but I didn't even know I was gonna even talk about that last blurb until I started typing it up. It happens sometimes.
- This past weekend we had a major snowstorm that hit the Midwest and Eastern U.S. Here in Columbus we had about a foot or more of snow dumped on us. I had a power outage late Friday night/early Saturday morning that lasted for several hours. It did get a little chilly in my abode after a while. However, I was lucky I didn't have to go anywhere or have to travel, but I know of people that did and some of them were stuck where they were. With more snow expected this week, I hope things don't get more freaky than they already have been.
- Facebook had a site redesign last weekend. To be honest, I think they should actually do beta testing with actual users before releasing such redesigns on the site for all users. I don't think FB does that right now, but they could benefit from it. Right now some people and stuff (including mine) are not showing up in my news feeds. I hope they get that fixed soon....otherwise, we're stuck.
- This NFL season's Super Bowl was one of the better ones to watch. A lot of other people must have thought so too because it is now the most watched television show in U.S. history, surpassing the M.A.S.H. finale. The game itself was exciting and that onside kick at the halftime kickoff was a heart-stopper and a game changer. Halfway through the season I thought the Indy-New Orleans matchup would be the one we'd end up seeing. It was the one I wanted to see since the Browns were nowhere near playoff contention this year.
- Valentine's Day is coming up and I have no plans. I never really do, but I'm up for stuff.
- My church home: Crossroads World Christian Center. There's also now a Facebook group set up for our church, so those of you on Facebook can go check that out.
- I'm going up to the Martini Park bar at Easton on the Saturday night following Valentine's Day (that would be the 20th). If anybody wants to join me, let me know.
- Song on repeat: "I Tried" by Akon and Bone Thugs-N-Harmony. Seemed appropriate given the tone of the first blurb of this blog. It also helps that it actually has been on repeat on my music player.
- SLP to the following: Dave, Carrie (happy b-day), Holly, George, Betsy, Aunt Susie, April, and Jenny.
That's it for this edition. This one was a lot longer and more revealing than I expected, but I hope people now have some understanding where I'm coming from on some things (possibly more than I had intended). In any case, I'll see you next time out. I hope everybody has a Happy Valentine's Day...those that want one. Until next time. Take care and God Bless.
DJ
