Merry Christmas and welcome to the last set of Random Thoughts for calendar year 2009. I hope everybody is having a good, safe, and happy holiday season this year. I definitely am. I did have some plans for this evening but they went under so I decided to do my blog a couple days earlier than originally scheduled. I have some old business to go through that I want to deal with first before I get started with the "new beginning" theme that's gonna run through most of this edition. With that in mind, enjoy.
- This being the last edition of my blog for 2009 and technically the first decade of the 21st century, I thought I would give a short review of how this past year was for me. I can sum it up in two words: contraction and loss. There was a lot of both for me and much of it was not wanted. I lost a couple of idols, Patrick Swayze & Michael Jackson. I dropped Myspace and several other activities I was a part of. I split off from a group of people a few months ago over conflicting points of view (something I'm going to address in the next blurb). One of my friends at the end of last year and an uncle this year passed away. It got to the point where I was wondering how I was going to go forward with things given what was going on and several times I had lost hope...if it hadn't been for Jesus, some really great friends, and this blog, I probably would have been really lost and would not be on the precipice of this new beginning, or new season as my pastor likes to call it, I've been envisioning as of late. There was some good this year...I was able to reconnect with family I hadn't seen in years as well as friends & acquaintances from high school, the clubs and college; I won a couple of awards; and I got to be VP of my Browns Backers group. For the most part, I am glad that 2009 is almost over and I'm ready to move on to next year and beyond.
- I don't know how this is going to come across or how what I'm about to write here is gonna be interpreted, so bear with me. About six months ago, I wrote an blurb that ruffled some feathers, to say the least. The harsh reaction to what I wrote surprised me, disappointed me, and hurt me at the same time. I responded somewhat in kind, defending what I was trying to get across in a rather blunt way to the people who commented on what I wrote and made it known in no uncertain terms that I stood behind what and how I wrote it. I was notified soon after that I was no longer welcome in this group's activities. That hurt even more and after two months of not hearing from them I had decided I wasn't going to deal with them anymore and to this day I still have not talked with any of those particular people. Due to some recent developments and observations I cannot ignore (starting with a newspaper article I read), I am now revisiting some of how I've gone about this and realizing that there may have been errors on my part in my response to some of those people.
First and foremost, I still support what I wrote way back. I was talking about something that I thought everybody could take something from and hoped it would help avoid landmines with others. For the most part almost everybody who read it seemed to grasp that, except for a particular group of people whom I considered close friends. This group thought I was talking specifically about them, and although some of the examples I used in trying to make my point included activities this group did, I was not talking about them. I can see how it could have been interpreted that way, but I had my reasons for writing it the way I did and I felt bad that they got hurt over it. However, I was never at any point asked what those reasons were or even where I was coming from or what I was feeling. It came across in these peoples' responses that they supposedly already knew what I was feeling or thinking, and not only were they incorrect in that assessment but that they ended up violating some of my personal boundaries in doing so. I had to stand up for myself and defend those boundaries which I would expect of anybody in a similar situation. In order to protect myself I did have to get away because in my view I was being left behind (one of my biggest pet peeves) and things had fallen apart to a point that I could not handle even being around some of these people...until now.
I've come to the conclusion that it's possible I may have made some mistakes in what I attributed to whom in all this...it sounds confusing so let me see if I can make things clearer. Once I posted my blog way back, one of my friends, a guy who I thought had some sense about him, put up the first response and put a comment in his Myspace status that if anybody "felt the way DJ did" or whatever wording he used that they should let him know. I'll be honest, I was baffled because I didn't write about what I felt. His response then started a chain reaction of several people from this one group that he was a part of responding in the same way he did, sort of like a "pied piper" effect. I suspect now that they went ahead with his interpretation of things without questioning whether it was valid because they put their trust in him. Until this past week I believed that the whole group felt exactly as he did. Through some of the discoveries I've made, it seems to me that the other people from that group for whatever reason either are not around him any longer or don't want to be associated with him..this is educated guesswork here so if I'm wrong on that, so be it. In discovering this, it led me to think that I may have screwed up in thinking they were aware of what he was saying or doing at the time when they probably weren't. I'm also guessing that they probably didn't know that he was the one who spoke for all of them when he said I was no longer invited to stuff. I took him at his word on that and I think now that maybe I shouldn't have.
Don't get me wrong...I'm still not gonna have anything to do with that one guy because he said and did things that really hurt me...that friendship is over. However, in the event that I did make mistakes in attributing what this one person did to the rest of that group and mistaking what their feelings and beliefs about this were, if they want to talk I would be open to settling this drama and trying to make things right with them. There is some damage and hurt feelings here and nothing may come of any of this after all that's happened, but if there's a chance at healing wounds and making things right, I'm open to it. Now, I know I can come off as stubborn, stuck-up, overly sensitive, even naive at times when dealing with things like this. I don't dispute any of that, but understand that the most likely reason I'm acting out like that is that I'm probably protecting myself, my boundaries, something else, or someone else and that there is reasonable logic to what I do and how I react. If it's possible, I would like to put this behind us because I'm on the verge of a new beginning.
- Speaking of new beginnings, I've been pointed here in the fact that I'm on the verge of one. I've been planning some changes in almost every aspect of my life....six months of keeping to myself have helped with that. I've still got a ways to go, with people to consult and things still left to do, but the last time I got this feeling it was before I went back to OSU to get my degree and we all know what happened with that. With this new beginning I think I might go back to doing some things I haven't done in a while, like getting back into dancing again and going out, maybe even travelling a bit. A lot of changes are on the horizon and for the first time in a long time I am very excited...cautious but excited.
- I have made absolutely no plans for New Year's Eve this year. Last year I stayed at home. I can do that again this year but I'd rather not. If anybody has ideas or wants to do something, I'm game.
- Another new beginning is occurring with the Cleveland Browns. Mike Holmgren has been hired as the president of the team and a new era has kicked off. With them winning two games in a row, this has been an exciting time to be a Browns fan despite the crappy season they're having.
- There are two more Browns games, but if you live in Columbus you won't be able to watch them on Channel 10 because they've decided to air the Bengals games instead, seeing as how they are playoff-bound. On behalf of the Westerville Browns Backers, I'd like to extend an invitation to Browns fans in the NE Columbus (or any) area to join us in watching the game at Jimmy V's in Uptown Westerville. They've won two in a row and they're at home the rest of the way, and like I said earlier it's an exciting time to be a Browns fan. Come on up and watch it with the Browns Backers.
- Last weekend I went to my church's annual banquet. The food was great...first time I got full at a banquet since I was a kid so that's saying something. I received a volunteer award for helping with bingo. I also received the Stand Up award "for showing great courage and strength when odds are against you" (meaning me) "and standing back up to fight the good fight." This is humbling given what I've gone through in the past year alone. I want to thank Crossroads World Christian Center, Pastor Cory Pariseau, the membership, and all those who have supported me. It means an awful lot to me, more than words can say. I plan to keep standing up and hopefully keep making you all proud.
- My church: Crossroads World Christian Center ministered by the aforementioned Pastor Cory Pariseau.
- I saw something on the news last week about "bowling for jobs." Essentially it's about pairing up job seekers with employers and getting both to get to know each other better over a game of bowling. It's a novel concept, one that maybe should be considered for Columbus.
- Song on repeat: "No Myth" by Michael Penn. A song I like that was featured in the movie "Loser" starring Jason Biggs which I happened to catch last weekend. BTW, Michael Penn is the brother of actor Sean Penn.
- SLP for the following: Aunt Claudia, Uncle James, Derrick, Renee, John C., Shadow (happy birthday), Maggie (happy belated b-day), Bob, Lynn, Jay (happy birthday), Tracy P. (happy b-day), Crossroads World Christian Center, Pastor Cory, Jenny, and Aunt Susie.
One full calendar year of this blog and it's not stopping anytime soon. I see exciting things on the horizon and I hope I can have my friends and family along for the ride, in spirit if not in person. Thank you for reading today and if I don't see you or hear from you before next Friday, I want to wish you all a Happy New Year and I'll see you next year. Merry Christmas, take care, and God Bless.
DJ
