I'm done...

Hi everyone.

It's been a long time since I last posted and there have been a few people who've asked what was up with DJ's Random Thoughts.  Well, as of today I have decided to close up shop and end it.  It will stay up for posterity's sake but I am not planning on doing any more editions.  Some of you may be disappointed but probably not as much as I am.  Y'all have probably noticed that posts have been few and far between over the past couple years or so.  The bottom line is I just don't have the motivation to continue doing this.  I'm gonna get into some of what's led to this decision...a lot of it has to do with things that have gone on in my life and some of it just general things...because for those of you who have kept up with me on here (and I thank you a ton for that), you at least deserve to know why.

For a long time now, I've been angry...really angry.  Based on what I mentioned in the last edition of DJRT, I'm obviously angry about how the election turned out.  I don't like what happened and I don't like where things are going.  That's the easy anger to address and I am trying to do something about that which would be a good single reason as any to end this.  However, things run much deeper than that for me.  The aftermath of the election exposed some raw nerves and thoughts about myself and my overall life experiences that I had worked my ass off in trying to avoid and/or overcome that I just can't avoid or maybe even overcome anymore.

I guess the best place to start is to say that I'm frustrated that the efforts I put into working into the past election didn't work out.  I wish something like that wasn't a common thing for me but unfortunately "efforts not working out" is something that has been one of the defining themes of my life as a whole.  I've had a ton of things not work out for me...jobs, relationships, places I've lived, etc.  A few times, I got lucky that happened (I can think of two specific times when I was blessed that was the case) but for the most part it's made my life a mess.  I'm not happy with my life and it seems things I do to try to improve it don't do jack squat.  In the meantime I've tried to help others and other groups in the hope that maybe my life would improve but it hasn't happened and I'm not seeing it happening.   This was something I wanted to bear more fruit from.

Anyway, I'm not sure I've ever talked about this before but one of the things that's made me horribly angry and incredibly frustrated is "expertism".  It's my own term for something I define as "using experience, skills or expertise, and bragging about them like they're the only things that matter, at the same time beating people over the head with that stuff and throwing it in people's faces, treating them like their ideas or they themselves don't matter at all."  That's a lot to take in so let me break down what it means and what that means to me.  For starters, I have no issues with anybody having experiences or skills beyond what I can do.  It can be comforting to know that there are people like that out there.  Who I'm talking about here are those who like to act all superior about that stuff, who act like they know better and have no qualms about beating people over the head with it and even "spiking the ball" (acting all triumphant like with a football celebration) when they do it.  It's the elitist, snob-like attitude coming from that expertise that I have seen in many, many, many people.  It's something I come across pretty damn regularly and it pisses me off.  I think a lot of people have problems dealing with people like that and I have dealt with a TON of them.  After dealing with such people, I've felt worthless, like I don't matter whatsoever, like what I do will never be good enough.  That feeling is very pervasive in me and has demotivated me more than anything else has in my life.  The amount of people who have pulled this kind of stuff on me alone is staggering and the anger and frustration that has come from them...well, I think enough of you have seen people like this in your lives so you can guess what kind of effect this have on me.

One of the bad things about expertism to me is that I have been that way myself.  It was done to me so much that I started doing it myself to others.  I would try to come off like an expert myself and even come off as obnoxious to people whether I was intending to or not.  It had an inverse relation to how much I felt I needed my ideas, or even me, to matter.  The less important I felt in those moments, the more I did it.  So many people did this with me that I started doing it myself as a way to "keep up with the Joneses", so to speak.  I want to matter.  I want to feel like I matter.  I don't want to be behind and I don't want to feel like I'm behind.  Acting like this with folks was my attempts to compensate.  I'm not proud I had to do this and it is really draining to do it.  For anybody who I care about and cares about me who's had to deal with my "expertism", I am truly sorry.  I didn't want to put you off by it.

This leads to my next point...alienation.  Many of you know I hate alienating people.  I hate putting people off from me.  I have alienated so many folks that I have to watch my every single little step with people.  I hate it.  If there was anything that shows me I was not a people person, this is it.  Generally, I want people to be happy.  I want to see them happy.  If possible, I want to make some of them happy if it's within my power.  It makes me physically sick to see people who I care for and want to be happy disgusted or put off by me or my attempts to help.  Yep, I said it...disgusted.  I've seen it and it is very hard to hide.  There were times I didn't want to leave the house because my best intentions went horribly awry.  The same goes for online...I won't post much in times of even anticipating potentially alienating someone.  I know it's a part of life sometimes but it is extremely painful.  I guess that's just the people pleaser in me.  This alienation has really become apparent in the past couple of years and it's taken it's toll.

So with all that meandering I've done here, what does this all mean for the end of DJRT?  Well, I'm angry, I'm demotivated, I've alienated folks, I have issues, and all this has affected everything going on in my life including DJRT.  Outside of one thing I've already committed myself to, everything is up in the air for me.  I have no idea what I'm going to do and everything I had planned, especially for DJRT, just doesn't seem worth it anymore.  A lot of things just don't seem worth it anymore.  With that, I think it's just time to end this.  I would say "until next time" but unless there is some extremely drastic changes for me it isn't going to happen.  It's been a ride.  Take care and God Bless.