- I'm just going to get to the bottom line of this edition right now...I am not okay. I'm angry...really angry...at some people, the world in general and myself. I'm frustrated. I've got this huge chip on my shoulder. I've got people angry or confused over things I've done or decisions I've made. It's taking a ton of energy just to get simple enjoyment out of things I want or expected to enjoy. I feel like I'm being pushed in directions or asked to do or be things that violate my own personal hard-fought-for boundaries. My depression and other mental illness-related crap is hitting me hard. I feel so...radioactive, for lack of a better term...actually, that might be the perfect word. This isn't just some recent phenomenon. This actually has been going on probably between five to six months now but it has been building to the point where it's taking an awful lot of effort to stop myself from boiling over which has almost happened on a couple of occasions recently. Last Friday I was in a really bad mood and hoped that I could improve that by going out and dancing...a couple specific things happen at the club and I'm worse off, fuming, ready to boil over and just walked out of the club without any warning or any goodbyes to anyone...yes, I was rude about that but given my mood I'm just thanking God that it wasn't anything worse than that because it could have been had I stayed. I actually posted the following on Facebook after I left: "People want to know how I'm feeling right now? F*** the damn world...that's how I f***ing feel!" I've never posted anything that angry before there but that's where my head was at and still is to some degree even now. I'm not at my wits end just yet but it's getting harder and harder to put on my "brave face" with all the anger and frustration I'm feeling.
- I'm not going to get into all the stuff or every little thing that's happening to me or around me or with me. With a good portion of it, I couldn't or wouldn't talk about it anyway here or privately. I was actually hoping the past couple of editions would clue people in on where my head's been at, especially with the subtitles and some of the content. Apparently it didn't happen and thus this edition is here to make a lot of that more clear. However, I do want to talk something that probably should be done privately with certain people but there's something related to my anger issues right now I need some other folks to see (and I'm taking a huge chance here doing so). Over the past few months there have been a couple of women that have been interested in me and wanted to date me...yes, there was more than one. I know I told one of them this already but given what I've been going through I think just being friends is what would be best. I know that's something neither of those ladies likely wanted and I've seen the disappointment already (could be an understatement there but I'm not certain) but friendship is all I can give to them. Now, I should note that I've been rather reluctant to actually talk about this with either of them privately and I apologize to them for not being able to do so but there is something that has made me rather reluctant to even approach them about it that has been pissing me off big time. I also want to note right now that I'm not angry at all at these two ladies. They may not be happy with me but I'm not angry at them. However, I am angry at some folks who seem insistent on giving their two cents, being overly righteous and pretty much outright harassing me about being with either of these ladies. Even after I told these folks that I just wanted to be friends with them and they indicated they would respect that, they were still pushing me, cajoling me and using peer pressure to try to make something happen. They really pissed me off. First off, and I've said this before several times, I hate being pushed toward specific women, especially under the umbrella of peer pressure. That's too high school and drama-laden for me to deal with. Second, they violated my boundaries when addressing me, coming off as indignantly righteous when it really wasn't their business. They made it seem like they were trying to help out or "do me a favor" so to speak but in reality they were just defending some ideal situation they wanted to happen regardless of what either me or these ladies felt. Although I'm not gonna put anybody specifically on blast about it, there are at least three people I know of...maybe more than that but at least three...that pulled this crap and it really got under my skin. I know that talking about this here might not have been the best idea but, honestly, I'm too angry to give a damn.
- There is one more thing I want to note that is ticking me off and it's something about my friends. Let me make something very clear to people...my friends are my friends, period. Whether we do something on a regular basis or do nothing together, whether we talk everyday or rarely at all, whether we keep up with each other regularly or not...my friends are still my friends. It gets annoying seeing people put up pics and statuses and updates from random folks on what it means to be a friend especially if those people are the ones who aren't being a friend themselves. I don't look at my friends as a "how" or a "why" or simply a "who" or a "what can they do for me" or any of those things. To me, my friends are not a question...they are an answer. If some folks have a problem with me being friends with someone...or "just" being friends with someone as the case may be with some women...then they should probably just go about their own business and leave me to mine. I don't need nor want their fake superiority nor fake authority on friendship issues.
Let me just say this...overall I am not okay, I am angry and I am not happy. I know there may be some sympathy out there for me...or not, who knows...and folks wanting to help me out but unfortunately this is something that either I have to work out for myself or it will resolve itself on its own. That could all change tomorrow or next week or next month or maybe this anger will stick around for the long haul for all I know...I don't have a clue. I don't know what to expect going forward either so I'm not even gonna bother to ask for anything from anybody because I don't even know what I'm wanting or going to do. All I know for certain right now is that if there are a lot of people angry or upset at me right now...and there may just might be...I can assure you that collectively they are not even remotely close to how pissed off I've been and no amount of animation of it on their part can change that. I'm just sick and tired of being sick and tired and angry. The next edition should be more back to its regular format but that's it for now. I've got a headache to try to get rid of here. Take care and God Bless.
One pissed off DJ
