Greetings and welcome back to my wondrous and wacky world. As I wait for a light bulb to illuminate my kitchen once again, I thought I would take the time to share some Random Thoughts with you today. With that in mind, let's get going. Enjoy.
- The title of this particular blog today, "good enough," is a loaded one, to say the least. It covers a broad spectrum that includes jobs, people, relationships, challenges, even politics...the list could be endless. I could start from any point in discussing this subject matter and possibly go on for days talking about that particular point in the spectrum alone. Before I get started on talking about this, I want to warn people that what I write today may strike a nerve or two at some point. I advise the sensitive to be cautious and careful when reading this and while I will be discussing certain things related to me specifically, my aim is to be as general and philosophical as possible regarding the subject at hand. With that out of the way, I want to start off by asking some questions.
Has there ever been a time where it's been implied or you've been told you were not "good enough" for something or someone? Have you ever been asked that, or more importantly, have you ever asked that of yourself or to yourself? Have you ever answered "Yes, I am (or was)"? More interestingly, have you ever had to admit to yourself that you weren't? These are some of the questions I find myself facing whenever I'm dealing with issues of being worthy, being judged, or even being wanted. Something happened recently that brought this subject to the forefront for me. I was at a job where even though I did alright for myself, the implication from some in charge there was that I wasn't worthy of being among them. The way they spoke to me, the way they didn't, the awkward stares from them at times, the visible lack of enthusiasm in offering assignments to me specifically, the challenges to the responses I gave to their inquiries...I was left with the impression that I wasn't as welcome as everybody else was there. I did have some struggles, but I did what was asked of me to the best of my ability. I think it just wasn't enough to satisfy them.
This in particular is the latest in a series of events over the years and even decades where my worthiness, of whether I was good enough or not, was at best questioned and at worst outright judged not good enough. I do understand that it is unavoidable at times but it seems like questions of worthiness pop up on too regular a basis for me. I don't want this as a recurring theme in my life, but it has been prevalent in so many of my personal and professional struggles that I cannot ignore it. In many cases I'm not even being directly judged worthy or not on the person or matter at hand, but on unrelated or irrelevant things. That is maddening. I would be lying if I said it didn't have an tangible effect on my own self-esteem. This event wasn't even the first time I was judged good enough or not in a professional environment. It's happened on three or four occasions I can name off the top of my head and at other events like volunteering and related stuff (political arena and places like Choices, CrimeWatch, Half Price Books, and Dawson...I'm pointing my finger in YOUR direction!). It's also happened in personal areas of my life. An ex-fiancee, a couple of ex-girlfriends, those certain people who have either decided to screw with me or kick me to the curb...those are some of the people that have obviously judged me as not good enough for them, not just in a particular role (which in some cases I could accept) but as a person and human being worthy of the most basic of respect. I gave a lot to those people my best and they left me behind (and many of you know how much I hate being left behind). And don't get me started on some of the women I've been attracted to and interested in...if I have to hear the words "I like you, but..." or "You're a nice guy, but..." one more time followed by something about me not being good enough for them to date or go out with, I'm going to scream...loudly. It's frustrating and it happens too often for my tastes.
I apologize for going off like that, but I think I needed to. This feeling of not being good enough gets to me and I hate it. It crops up way too often for my tastes. The worst part about it is is once it happens, I've ended up hurting those I'm close to and care about in the process of trying to deal with it. Usually I'll distance myself from people, but I've done other things as well, sometimes unknowingly. For any of my friends reading this and affected by this stuff in relation to me, I humbly apologize to you. I do want to get across that even though the frequency of it may seem exaggerated, it is not. I can also say that there have to be some of you out there that have been dealing with this type of stuff too, maybe more frequently than me (and that's a lot in itself). Sure, it's one thing to say "Get over it" or "Don't let it bother you", and for some people that may work. Shoot, I've even said it from time to time. In my heart, though, and with all due respect for those of you who do say it or might say it here, I've found it really doesn't work all that well. We feel what we feel, and those feelings will change when they change, no sooner or later. In the course of this new beginning of mine (yes, I'm still working on it...I'm just being low-key about what I'm doing), this is one of those things that I may still face after it (the new beginning) takes off, though I hope its impact will be significantly decreased. I do have some things that I do that remind me that I am good enough...to be me, at least...such as constantly listening to Gavin DeGraw's song "I Don't Want To Be", reading various Bible verses and bits of wisdom from other sources, or distracting myself with something that makes me feel better. My ultimate hope is to get it in my head that I am good enough for whatever I go for. Given how much is there for me to deal with, it is going to take some time. A little bit of the Lord's grace will be very helpful here.
- I just needed to get that stuff off my chest since I don't specifically remember talking about it before and there may be some of you that might be facing the same thing in some aspect. Also, it's been on my mind a lot lately.
- Changing the subject to get away from the lamentation, the Cleveland Cavaliers stunk up Game 5 of their series with the Boston Celtics. If they don't pull it together in the next game, it may be the last time LeBron James is in a Cavs uniform. Weirder things have happened.
- It looks like the pro wrestling Monday Night War is over. TNA Impact has moved back to Thursdays, leaving WWE Raw the only wrestling show on Monday nights. I wouldn't look at this as losing effort for TNA. It was worth a shot given Raw's declining interest. They are improving in different areas but I think there is still a lot for TNA to do to get to where they want to be. WWE Raw, from the looks of it, is bleeding viewers despite Impact's move and will continue to do so. I don't think they have a clue right now how to stop the slide, but I'm guessing improving the product and stopping the infomercial aspect of the show is not on their agenda at the moment.
- I watched a revamped version of Superman II on AMC this past week. It seems to be more representative of Richard Donner's original vision with an ending similar to the first Superman movie. It also added more personal scenes between some of the actors and it made it more enjoyable for me to watch. Some things made more sense.
- A couple of weeks ago I upgraded my operating system to the latest version of Ubuntu Linux, which is called Lucid Lynx. I had a few problems early on with Firefox and memory hogging on the computer's part, but a change in one line in one of the computer's files fixed a lot of that. I was even able to get my desktop effects to work again, which I could not do with Karmic Koala for some odd reason. I still have to upgrade parts on my computer, but at least my computer is working closer to the way I expect it to again.
- Over the last few weekends I've been going up to Martini Park. Whiie I've been out the past couple of weekends in particular, I've been taking care of business, reuniting with and getting back with people I haven't been around in a long time. It means a lot to me when that happens. Good times and here's to having more of them.
- Song on repeat: "Sexy Lady" by Yung Berg. A previously featured song, I've been listening to this one a lot lately. Good song and a change-up from some I've had recently.
- SLP to the following: Griff, Cara, Dave, Ernest, Fudge, Matt, Derrick, Pastor Cory, Joe C., Mr. Chaff, Patrick, Daryl, Sonya (happy b-day), Al, Jay, Xavier, Holly, Aunt Susie, Rhonda (happy b-day), Heather M., Shane (happy b-day), Rita C., and Rita D. (happy b-day).
That's it for this edition. It may be a while before my next blog because the busy schedule I had is slowing down and there isn't much in the way of stuff to talk about in the short term. I guess I'll blog when I have something to talk about. Until next time, folks. Take care and God Bless.
DJ
