- There's a personal reason for the name of this edition and it will mean many different things to different people. All I'm gonna say about it is that it covers the good and the not-good over the past week.
- Last week I announced that I added a cause to my profile that I believe in, suicide prevention, and teased that I might talk about the story behind it. Honestly, I wasn't sure that I was going to at all because it covers a very serious subject and a dark time, but given that it led to major changes (many of them really good) across the board in my life, my fortunes, and a host of other things, I think it might help in giving some people insight on what I was like at a pivotal time in my life. This will come as a shock to those of you who went to grade school and high school with me, so for those of you in that particular group, bear with me here. During my senior year of high school I made a serious suicide attempt. I downed a bunch of different pills late one night in an effort to just end it all. I'm not saying it was right or that I'm proud that I did something like that, but like I said it led to a host of outcomes I never expected. I guess I should start at the beginning.
As I had talked about in previous blogs, I never felt that I had it easy in my childhood even if things seemed on the outside like they were. I was picked on a lot, verbally abused in many instances. I had issues with my family and others that I couldn't get a handle on and did not know who in this world I could put my faith in outside of three or four particular people (this was a time well before Jesus or many of you came into my life). However, the beginning of this story started around November, 1990. I took a weeklong trip to Washington D.C. as part of some type of Youth Congress program (I don't remember the name of it for the life of me). The treatment I received there, the atmosphere, the people...it felt like the exact opposite of what I had experienced in Tallmadge. In a couple of instances where I had screwed up in some fashion, the other students I hung out with rallied around me and made sure I got back on my feet and got things right, without hesitation. To experience this and the feelings surrounding it for the first time in my life was just absolutely amazing, and it's a feeling I try to experience or bring about every chance I get. When I got back to Tallmadge, however, it was back to the old misery, the old issues, and probably the start of my very first real bout of depression. Some of the verbal abuse got worse, to the point where I just wanted to run and hide all the time. I had trouble trusting people already, but one particular event that occurred stood out involving a teacher. I discovered that the year before this teacher entered me into the senior student council election as a presidential candidate, something I really didn't want to do. I confronted him about it and he got huffy and puffy about it claiming I did enter. That's when I pulled a particular piece of paper showing a half-filled application I filled out to enter as a possible vice presidential candidate but never turned in. The look on his face completely changed in light of what I showed him and he stumbled over his words trying to explain himself. Basically, he was cold busted. Now despite that the teacher in question probably felt he was doing what he felt he needed to, for me it wasn't the right thing, it did me no favors, and it left me with more of an empty feeling that I had before. As a result, my grades started suffering and I even failed a couple of classes. By the time February/March rolled around I was in a complete downward spiral, I had a three-month long headache, and all I wanted at that point was to have the feelings and type of experiences I had on that Washington trip. Since I didn't see any hope at the time, I decided to do the suicide thing and hoped not to have to wake up to my misery ever again. However, I did wake up the next day with a very sore stomach and went to school, and during study hall I went to the counselor's office and told my counselor what I did. He was shocked, to say the least. I went back to him later in the day and after talking about my Washington experience we started looking at colleges, specifically what would take my school credits. Only two schools would take them unconditionally, one of them being Ohio State. Even though I was accepted to the University of Akron, during that meeting I hurredly filled out the application and inquiry stuff for OSU and sent it in that day. The rest, they say, is history. (BTW, my headache went away about two days after the attempt...still don't know what I took, but instead of killing me, it probably helped me...go figure)
Now, even though I made that suicide attempt in the depths of my despair, ultimately the experience led me to some amazing opportunities and opened up my eyes to things I was never open to before. I learned that even though things may get tough, and they are for me even now, that there are better times ahead and there will continue to be if you open your mind and your heart to them. Now, I do want to address the following to some of the high schoolers and grade schoolers and even some of the teachers from my time in Tallmadge. I'm not trying to rain down on people's parades or memories involving me that you may have experienced when talking about this stuff...this is simply my recollection of events and feelings I had at that time. At the same time, many of you at that time never really knew the real me (except for the 3 or 4 I mentioned earlier) and I didn't really know many of you all that well despite the fact we were acquinted throughout that time. I didn't really know myself all that well until I was around 30 or so, so realistically how could any of you? A consequence of this is that because of how I grew up in Tallmadge and the general Akron area (depending on my mood, sometimes I praise it and sometimes I do the opposite of that), regardless of some of the people there including family, and the fact I lived there for an additional five years, it never felt like and probably will never feel like a home for me...an unfortunate thing, but something that can't be helped. However, on a lighter note I am definitely not the same person I was then and to that end I hope to get the opportunities to get to know some of you from high school better and you get the same with me. This is also a major factor in why I feel I can help others in this type of scenario...I've been there, done that, and got through it and learned a lot more about it so that I could help others here. It seems a lifetime ago for me that this all happened, but I have never forgotten it.
- Boy that was a long blurb....BUT WAIT! There's more...a lot more.
- I don't have any real news on the unrevealed stuff I'm dealing with or made any real progress on that front recently, but I may be onto something that might help me big time here, so pray for me on this.
- A change concerning comments posted on my Myspace: even though only my friends can actually read the ones on my profile, since I've got the "require approval" mode on I'm allowing those NOT on my friend's list to be able to add comments also. Since I made the blog public some time ago and that I now have some readers outside of my friends list here, I thought I would give them a shot to share their thoughts. Everybody will be able to see those particular entries in the blog comments section...pending my approval, of course.
- The NFL released its football schedule for the upcoming 2009 season. The Browns have a Monday night game and a Thursday night game this year, both against division rivals. Most of their games are scheduled at 1 PM on Sundays. I hope the Westerville Browns Backers find a place to watch them soon, and if any of them are reading this entry, give me a buzz through the Myspace email here and let me know what's going on, because I haven't seen or heard any updates since the season ended.
- Thanks to the best record in the NBA, the Cleveland Cavaliers have home court advantage throughout the playoffs. And after an auspicious start to those playoffs, I've got a feeling they are going to need it. Then again, maybe not....
- I'm feeling particularly creative this week, so I thought I would repost something I posted a while back, a creative piece called "Loneliness"...enjoy:
LONELINESS
Do you know what it’s like? Do you know what it’s like to be lonely? People say it’s our fault that we choose to be lonely. Nobody chooses to be lonely. We choose to be alone because we are lonely. No one to share your quality time with. No one to joke with. No one to tell you how much they care about you and vice versa. It is one of the worst feelings a person could have. I hate it when people tell me it’s my own fault. It doesn’t occur to them that maybe they are partially to blame. I’m not talking about the type of connection you have with a friend or family member. I’m talking about having a significant other in my life. It’s even more difficult when you don’t know how to connect in that special way. I wish there were a book that showed how to do that. Unfortunately, there is no such thing, or at least one that makes sense. If I knew what it was like to share my life and my time, it might be different. Until that time, I shall continue to be alone not of my own accord.
- You know what? I'm still feeling creative, so I'm adding something that I found on You know what? I'm still feeling creative, so I'm adding something that I found on the net and edited for content and language. It's something called "If She Only Knew" and even though I'm not experiencing anything like this right now, other and I have in the past and may again in the future. Again, enjoy:
IF SHE ONLY KNEW
I'm sorry that I bought you roses to tell you that I like you.
I'm sorry that I was raised to not sleep with you when you were drunk.
I'm sorry that my body's not ripped enough to "satisfy" your wants.
I'm sorry that I open your car door and pull out your chair
like I was raised to do for a lady.
I'm sorry that I'm not cute enough to be "your guy."
I'm sorry that I'm actually nice and not an jerk.
I'm sorry I don't have a huge bank account to buy
you expensive things.
I'm sorry I like to spend quality nights at home cuddling with you
instead of being at a club.
I'm sorry I would rather make love to you then just sleep with you
like some random guy.
I'm sorry that I'm always the one you need to talk to
but never good enough to date.
I'm sorry that I always held your hair back when you threw up
and didn't get mad at you for puking in my car,
but when we went out you wanted to hook up with
another random guy.
I'm sorry that I'm good enough to be there to pick you up at 4 AM
when your new man hit you and dropped you off
in the middle of nowhere, but not good enough to listen to me
when I need a friend.
I'm sorry if you tell me you want to hang out with me only
to be tossed aside when a “better-looking” guy comes around.
I'm sorry if I don't answer my phone anymore when you call
and listen to you cry for hours
instead of getting a couple hours of sleep before work.
I'm sorry that you can't realize I've been the one all along.
I'm sorry if you read this and know somebody like this but don't care.
But most of all, I'm sorry for not being sorry anymore.
I'm sorry that you can't accept me for who I am.
I'm sorry I can never do anything right
or good enough to make it in your world.
I'm sorry I caught your man with another girl and told you about it...I
thought that was what friends were for.
I'm sorry I told you I loved you and actually meant it.
I'm sorry that I talked to you for nine hours on Thanksgiving
when your boyfriend was threatening you
instead of spending time with my family.
I'm sorry that I cared.
I'm sorry that I listen to you at night
talk about how you wish you could have done something different.
Ladies always whine and complain to their friends that there's never
any good guys out there and they always end up with jerks who
mistreat them. Well, ladies...next time you're complaining, maybe
look up to see who you're whining to...maybe that special someone
is right there hanging on your every word as usual, screaming in his
head, "Why won't you give me a chance?"
Because the person you are usually searching for is
already right by you.
- My friend Griff posted a comment this past week on my profile reminiscing about some of the old-school cartoons we used to watch, even posting a video. Now, being the media freak that I am and I fondly remember some of those cartoons (especially G.I. Joe and Transformers), I want to give you all a shot at finding some of those shows many of you grew up with and possibly even watch some of them again. I recommend looking at video sites like Veoh (www.veoh.com), MegaVideo (www.megavideo.com), and Hulu (www.hulu.com) to look for clips and possibly full episodes of some of your favorites from not just back in the day but now. YouTube is good for clips, and a Google search (put the name of the show in quotes so that you can get more specific info) will help you here as well. I've found shows through all these methods and now you can too.
- Even though the Akron area is no longer my home, events that do happen there still pique my interest from time to time. One such recent event is the attempt to have a recall of the mayor of Akron, Don Plusquellic. Now, I don't know what many of you who still live there think of the man, but I don't find him to be too good of a person myself. He comes off as arrogant, brash, abrasive, and just not someone I would want running the city I live in (on the other hand, I really like and admire Columbus' mayor, Mike Coleman). When my dad was a deputy fire chief in Akron, he had some run-ins with this guy. My dad is a stand-up guy and was not intimidated by this guy or his power, which probably led to the mayor trying things like pushing changes in the residency laws regarding city employees..just so he could force those such as my dad into some kind of subservience or sacrifice or force him to quit. I really believe Plusquellic was scared of my father. At one point when I met the guy a few years back at a Democratic event and revealed who I was, and more specifically who my dad was, he stuttered a unintelligible response and tried to get away from me as fast as he could...my mom laughed out loud when I told her about the experience. I hope the recall succeed, or at least the guy isn't mayor anymore, because that city needs some major changes in how it's run and a better hope for its future.
- One experience I want to have in my life is something I saw in the movie "Joe Versus The Volcano". At one point in the movie, the moon rises over the Pacific Ocean and it looks HUGE. It's probably one of the most potentially romantic settings I can envision and it's something I would like to see with my own two eyes, preferably watching the phenomenon from a boat with the woman I love....that would be ideal.
- Song of the moment: "Wouldn't It Be Good" by Nik Kershaw. A staple of the 80's, it was recently featured in VH-1's '100 Greatest One Hit Wonders of the 80's". I like this song.
- SLP to the following: Holly, Nick, Griff, Ladonna, Marcus and Jenny (happy birthday to the both of you), Miss FINODI (my condolences for the loss of your mother), Xavier (P.E.A.C.E.), Tommy D, Shane, Syco, Harry, Pastor Cory, Mike (Suburb P...), Andy, Dark Joey, Adrian, and Rahn.
This was a VERY long blog entry and I'm tired just from proofreading it. I'm gonna go get something to eat now, so until next time, folks. Take care and God Bless.
DJ
