I'm usually pretty guarded about my thoughts on women in relation to my
love life (or lack of one) and what women I'm attracted to, but
something's been on my mind for the past couple weeks and historically
from time to time that I think I need to finally get off my
chest...actually, I just want to get it out of my head so I can stop
obsessing over it. Not so much something, but someone....the first girl
I was ever attracted to.
I was 9 years old and in the third
grade...you read that right, 9 years old and the third grade...when I
fell for a girl named Kim. I thought she was the prettiest girl in the
class and I felt the butterflies whenever I was around her, but
unfortunately for me so did some other guys. On top of that, they knew I
liked her too, so aside from what I was being picked on for before,
they did it for this too. One time four of them cornered me and tried
to make me scared....one of them punched me in the gut to try to
emphasize the point. Now, me being the weird scrawny kid I was, I
didn't retaliate or get back at them for it and I didn't do much else
regarding Kim immediately after that (which ultimately started really
making me awkward and shy, but that's a topic for another day and
another time). It didn't stop how I felt about her though. As school
years wore on, I would periodically think of her....one year I even made
her some valentines and romantic pictures, probably around 4th or 5th
grade. As she grew she only got prettier and more gorgeous. I thought
she was probably too "hot" for me by the time high school hit. From
time to time since I would think of her and do a lot of "what-if"
thinking regarding her. I did see her one time about a year after high
school was over, where it took her a few seconds to recognize me and we
had what I thought was some awkward conversation. I never saw Kim again
after that. I do wonder what has happened to her, though I guess she's
probably married by now (hey, she was a catch....her hubby's probably a
real lucky guy), maybe even has kids.
You're probably wondering
why I think of her even now. Well, when it comes to women, I
essentially look for things that attracted me to Kim in the first place.
I have to at least be attracted to her and she should have the
capability to treat me with respect, kindness, and love. It's probably
why she shows up in my thoughts when I'm looking at other women.
However, there is something I look for now that I didn't with Kim or
some other women I was previously attracted to (before 2002 more than
likely): I've got to get a chance to know them and for them to get to
know me. Even though I saw Kim everyday at school and I liked her, I
never really knew her all that well. Heck, for all I know she probably
hated my guts or thought I was just too weird for her. I don't think
she truly knew the real me (or many others either)...heck I didn't even
know the real me until I was around 30 so how could anybody else? If we
did, I don't know what would have happened. At this point it can only
be "what-if" thinking on my part. Getting back to the "getting to know
them" thing, I and whatever woman I'm attracted to at a given time have
to start getting to know each other. I resist people trying to get me
to go after some women or being set up because it has historically only
brought me trouble. It's easier for me to go on my gut instinct and
feelings. If things happen, they happen, but I don't want to force it.
I've got a lot on my plate as it is and I can only leave it to God if I
will have a special woman in my life any time soon.
Mind you,
I'm not trying to give anyone an excuse for why I haven't pursued women
as zealously as some I know. I do want to let people know where I'm
coming from and what and who shaped my thoughts and feelings on women
and romance. This is probably the only time I'll talk about this,
because I just wanted to put it somewhere other than my head. I will
say this....if I'm with a woman, that means she already has those
qualities I talked about here.
Before I go, a couple other
thoughts. I just want to send my condolences to one of my best friends,
Todd Clark, and his family on the passing of his mother Carolyn. She
was one of the kindest people I knew and I will miss her. Also, aside
from the thoughts about Kim, I do realize I've been a bit more withdrawn
lately....I've had a lot to deal with, I'm in between job assignments,
and I've got to sort out my sleep schedule, but I will be alright, if
not now then soon. Until then, later and God Bless.
DJ
