Random Thoughts #152 - the "returning" edition

Hello and welcome to the first edition of DJ's Random Thoughts that I've done in a really long time.  For those of you who missed it, welcome back.  I wasn't actually planning on taking such a long break from doing this...heck, I had stuff planned for the following month or so...but some things happened after the last edition that I'll get into more later on in the blog.  I wasn't even planning on doing this tonight but for the first time in ages I actually felt like blogging.  Please bear with me as I try to get some of my mojo back here because I do have a lot of stuff to say since I haven't done this in so long.

  -  I'm not even sure how to start this, so let me start with the elephant in the room...why?  Why haven't I blogged?  What happened to me?  Well, let me restate a few things about me that I've talked about before to set the stage for something that happened to me near the end of August of last year.  First, many people already know this but I do suffer from severe depression and anxiety.  Some days are better than others but those conditions affect me big time.  Second, I haven't had good luck with employment and jobs.  That's something I actually try to avoid talking about here or in public or in the social arena but because of what I'm about to talk about it's important to state here.  Third, I have said that I am not much of a people person.  I don't mean that I'm a hater or anything in that regard...it's more along the lines of that I'm a klutz in the area of social interaction to the point where even though I've had a lot of interactions and experience...well, I'm not really all that good at it or as good at it as some people think and I've always had problems with "belonging" for lack of a better term.  I do try and continue to try and improve that aspect but I have had a ton more misses than hits in the area of social interaction.

With that in mind, let me go back to last August.  About a week or so after the last edition of DJRT, I started a temp job with a company I worked for in 2014 that shall remain nameless...not because I'm trying to protect them but, because of what happened with me there, they're no longer gonna get any respect from me and don't deserve to be named here.  That should tell you how bad it ended up.  Anyway, I got hired to help get a store I was supposed to eventually work at opened up for business.  Unlike the year before, this year the staff there was disorganized to the point where I had no idea whether it was actually going to open or not.  They actually fired the guy who did all the hiring (I was actually hired before the managers) and there were conflicts all around.  I was nervous but hopeful that I could get through it.  On the weekend before they were supposed to open, I was sent home early and was told by the store manager that I would be called when I was put on the schedule.  They claimed they were over the hours allowed for employees to help get the store open and had to send me home to save money and that the managers would be the ones to get everything ready for store opening.  I took them at their word and went home.  I waited a couple days before calling them to see if the store was open...no answer, the phone just kept ringing.  Something didn't seem right so I drove up to the store.  I discovered it was open and as I drove by it looked like one of the managers who was at the door as I was driving by looked at me like they were panicking from seeing me and quickly walked away, like one of those power walks but looking back looking all worried and stuff.  That was all I needed to know about my status at that place.  They didn't even have the courtesy to actually tell me they weren't keeping me on.  They never even stated that they had problems with me but there was an uneasiness there that I had originally chalked up to nervousness about getting the store open.  It looks like I was probably wrong on that.  That was probably the most unprofessional experience I've ever had in my life at a job and with my employment history that's saying something.

Honestly, I had no idea what I may have done to have them act like that toward me.  I thought I was doing good work and being respectful to them but after what happened I have no idea where their line of thinking was.  I know a lot of people who would say just let it go but I've always had trouble letting go of that type of stuff especially since it's happened so many times.  In my personal life, I had this type of experience several times previously and I had vowed to myself I would never put myself in such a position ever again to have that happen yet once again it does anyway, only this time at a job.  Because of what they did, the disrespect and humiliation I felt and the unprofessionalism from these people, I fell into a very deep depression with all the junk and issues that come with it, one that I am going through even now.  I actually have had some physical health problems come from this depression which has only happened once before about 20 years ago...nothing life-threatening, thank God, but enough to cause havoc for me these past few months.  It's taken me a lot on many days to just get up out of bed.  To say life has been difficult is an understatement.  That's not to say I haven't had any good days in there because I have had some here and there...Halloween night, walking outside on Thanksgiving, New Year's Eve, some nights at the club.  However, I have not had much interest in doing much of anything, not even DJRT.  A lot of people may have noticed a lot of withdrawal from me, some disinterest, some distance...well, this funk is the reason why.  Some have seen this before and for those who have weathered through this with me, thank you.  I'm not sure how or when this funk is going to go away.  Part of me wants to believe that doing this edition of DJRT might help with that but I don't know.  Unless something major happens that shakes me out of this (it would have to be something pretty damn awesome), I just want to put it out there that I'm not sure when it's gonna end.

 -  Even though I've had my problems and have kept to myself with a few exceptions for the most part, a good number of my friends have been going through some really hard times themselves over the past few months and, comparatively speaking, I had it easier than some of them.  One of my friends had a hysterectomy, another has a child going through cancer treatments, yet another needed a pacemaker put in, a couple of my friends are dealing with depression themselves, and unfortunately one of my friends passed away last month (I'll talk about that more later on in the blog).  I honestly didn't feel right complaining and talking about my situation given all the problems my friends were going through.  I thought they needed the prayers and thoughts should go their way.  Mine are still with them even now and some of them will still need those in the foreseeable future and it'd be great if they could continue getting them.  Times can be hard and people can use all the help they can get in those hard times.

 -  My friend Ernest Pariseau passed away early last month.  He had been going through some serious health issues before his passing but he is now in the arms of the Lord.  Like I said on Facebook when he passed, he and his brother Cory always made me feel welcomed and appreciated whenever I was around regardless of whatever was going on around me.  There is one specific memory I have of him that will never leave me.  It was in 1992 during yet another problematic time in my life.  I was returning to Ohio State in September hoping I could start getting over what had happened on Memorial Day a few months before.  I went over to visit Cory who wasn't home at the time.  Ernest had separately come over to see him too.  We got to talking on his porch and he invited me to go with him to Damon's over on Olentangy River Road (it's gone now).  I remember the both of us specifically sharing a big onion loaf which was basically a big-ass square of onion rings.  We both had burgers as well but I remember us talking about that onion loaf.  That visit with him was one of the few lights in what was a very dark time for me and I have never forgotten that.  I wish I had told him that before he passed but I hope I honor him by sharing it now.  The bottom line is that he was a really great guy and I miss him.  Peaceful journey, my friend.

 -  Speaking of passings, I can't believe how many notable people have passed.  In wrestling alone, there's Roddy Piper, Dusty Rhodes and in the past week Chyna.  On the music front, there's Glenn Frey of the Eagles, David Bowie, Natalie Cole, and now Prince (which I decided to honor in the profile pic up top).  It's been so hard to see so many influential people now gone.  It's been a turbulent time, to say the least.

 -  Song on Repeat:  "Sugar Hill" by AZ.  This is probably the one song that screams "90's" to me more than any other.  I get taken back to some of the great times when I hear this song.

 -  Shoutouts:  In lieu of pointing out anybody specifically, I just want to give a shoutout to those folks who stuck and continue to stick with me through this hard time I've been going through.  It means an awful lot to me.

I'm not sure how often I'm going to be doing DJRT in the near term but I can safely say that the stuff I've talked about doing in the past couple of editions are on hold until things get better which I'm not sure when that's going to be.  I already have things I want to include in the next edition so it looks like the blog itself might get back to normal next time out.  The only thing I have planned right now for the near term is going to the Hard Rock Rocksino in Northfield to watch the 1st round of the NFL Draft this upcoming Thursday and anybody is welcome to join me up there that day.  I was planning on volunteering for the Soap Box Derby in July again but given the events that happened in August I'm gonna have to take a long and hard look at that before jumping into doing so again.  Other than that, everything is up in the air at this time.  I'm hoping things get better and I regularly feel better sooner than later.  Depression sucks.  Until next time, folks.  Take care and God Bless.