Hello and welcome to the 94th edition of Random Thoughts from yours truly. It's really early and I can't sleep, so since I have a lot in my head right now I thought I'd blog. With that in mind, enjoy.
- I called this blog the "digging" edition because I've been doing a lot of digging for different types of information for a variety of things. Some of it was for the new beginning I've been working on and trying to ramp up. Some was for things related to future Random Thoughts blogs in terms of what changes are coming and directions I want to take it in. Some of it was to try to find ways to stabilize my computer (I'll get into that more later). Overall, I've been doing a lot of it since my birthday, so this edition will be dedicated to that theme.
- From time to time certain questions pop up in my mind that lead me to reflect on who I am, why I am the way I am, how I got this way, and why I am or am not the way I used to be. These thoughts come at me at random points, sometimes due to a recollection, a reconnection with someone, or an outright question posed to me regarding this. Quick note before I go on...this subject I'm talking about here is not specifically related to any particular person or recent event so if it's hitting close to home for some reason it's just a coincidence...I'm gonna try to be as general as possible but that's not guaranteed. Let me start by asking the (loaded) question "why am I the way I am" and to a lesser extent "who am I?" One answer to that could be "I am who I am because of the experiences I've had, the circumstances both within and outside my control past and present, the people I've encountered, and the whims of fate itself." A somewhat concise answer, yes, and also a rather simplistic one for those looking for a deeper meaning to those questions. Something related to this that I've noticed out of several people I knew or know is how the way I am now doesn't currently jibe with what they knew of me before or, in some instances, how they want me to be. That for me has been a mixed bag...a few times it's been good but when it generally happens it's held against me negatively. I really don't know the exact reasons why this happens but I have some educated guesses...it could just be easier to define me by a simple event or time, good or bad, and stick to that; it could be an inability to see me as something other than what they want me to be; it could be that they aren't around me enough to see what's happening with me...it could be a multitude of things. I'm not going to absolve myself and say I've not done this myself, because I have. However, I can say for sure that in the past 9 years or so this phenomenon is something I've seen more and more from others and less of from myself. Let me say that this isn't particularly good or bad, per se...that's just how things shake out sometimes and in many cases it can't be helped.
Another set of questions I've been asked by others directly (or me of myself) include "why have or haven't you changed," "couldn't or can't you be better than you 'used to be' or are" (a rather mean and undermining question, IMHO) or even the more wistful "why are or aren't you like you were back in the day?" These are loaded questions but also tricky ones to answer because they are a direct challenge to me (or an affront in a select few cases) and my experiences and, in an "on-the-spot" fashion, there's an expectation of simplistic and "easy" answers that just aren't there. In a rather personal example I haven't really talked about before, growing up I had serious developmental delays that affected almost every aspect of my life...mostly my ability to learn, my maturity, and my development as a social being. I had to learn things differently and to do and think things differently to adjust and get past those delays. It's not something I like to bring up because it is somewhat embarassing for me and on the surface it sounds like an excuse...that I'm helpless or defective or something like that. Up until the discovery of this when I was a toddler, apparently (according to some in my family) there were people out there that seriously believed I had mental retardation...some even supposedly tried to take advantage of it, but that's a subject for a different day. Anyway, this one point alone is enough to humble and show me not to take things, people, and life for granted...not the only one that has, mind you, but it possibly would have been enough. So in relation to those questions I just posed, I couldn't give a yes-or-no answer to them because those unique experiences of mine muddy the answers too much for me to realistically do so. Could I have been a better person? Could I be a better person? Could I have been a different person? Could I still be? Am I already? The easy answer could be a simple yes or no to any or all of those questions depending on your POV. Personally speaking, I'm not sure I'll ever be able to answer them in a satisfactory way. Spiritually speaking, however, that might be a different story.
Something I've learned since becoming a Christian is that we are on God's time and not our own...things and events will happen when He wants them to. Could I have been better or done things differently? Of course I could have. Should I have been, though? Spiritually speaking, that answer would probably have to be "no." Why is that, you ask? Think about this: if I wasn't the way I was, then you or other people wouldn't be what you or they were meant to be, good or bad. On the flip side, if many of you weren't who you were or are now, then I wouldn't be who I was meant to be. Fate is such a tricky thing in that we are all interconnected in ways that are both within our means and beyond our understanding. Will this probably stop me from questioning "could I" or "should I?" Probably not, but at least I can find comfort in the Lord when asking these and the previous questions.
- I know that last blurb may be somewhat all over the place and random (hey...it fits...LOL) and isn't all-encompassing, but like I said this stuff pops up sometimes and I just wanted to throw it out there to see if anyone could relate, even if it's just in a limited way.
- For the past week and even before I've been having some computer issues, so if anybody doesn't hear from me online or I don't get back to you right away, that's probably why. It's stability and software/memory-related issues and they come and go, but it's been more frequent as of late. Yesterday there was a new Ubuntu OS release called "Natty Narwhal" which I installed early yesterday (in which my initial installation was interrupted by said stability issues). I still have some technical difficulties but there seems to be some stability...at least more than I've had in a while. If anything major changes I'll keep everybody posted.
- It looks like the weather, while a bit rainy or stormy at times, is starting to warm up for the most part. I've gotten out of my apartment more this month than I have in a while to enjoy it when it's nice. I hope there's more of the good stuff coming.
- Throughout the process I've been going through in preparation for this new beginning I'm aiming for, I've been working on closing chapters in my life in order to get ready to move on to the bigger and better changes to come. It's a work in progress, but I've been able to close several chapters both good and bad to me. A couple of days ago, I chose to close one of the good chapters in my life in a proper way. In order to do this, though, I had to do a 180 on a decision I made that if I had let stand would have given that chapter a sad and somewhat unresolved ending.
Recall around Christmas of last year I wrote about deciding not to go back to Jimmy V's and do things with the Westerville Browns Backers anymore. That decision had absolutely nothing to do with the Backers themselves because they've been really good to me. It had to do with a waitress there with supposedly some authority on the staff who treated me personally and other Browns fans (not just Backers...and not just adults) really bad and arrogantly, like she took us for granted...I think her team allegiance had something to do with it, but I'm not clear on that. My last interaction with her that last time I was there was when she decided to take it upon herself to gleefully "inform" me and the other Backers about an outrageous sitting fee they were supposedly instituting at Jimmy V's, right after I had just paid for my food with a good tip...and she wasn't even working that day. For me, that was the last straw and, since there was nothing I could do about the situation, at halftime I left (I had to go up north anyway). Now normally I don't get worked up like that in front of people and I usually keep my cool but she just got on my last nerve.
I knew this past season would be my last anyway as a member of the WBB due to my new beginning but my last experience there left a sour taste in my mouth. I didn't want this chapter to end like that so I decided to do something about it. On Thursday night I swallowed my pride and went up to Jimmy V's hoping for the best. I'm really happy that I did. I saw my friends in the group, catching up with them and letting them know what I've been up to. It was like nothing changed and I was happy about that. I made my official goodbye to the group, talking about joining the WBB after the breakup with my last girlfriend and how just being with them helped me through that rough time. I also officially resigned my position as VP while nominating dedicated member Scott Eaton for my old spot. Regarding that waitress...she was still working there and serving some of the other Backers but I was able to ignore her for the most part. I was glad to close that chapter properly, but I'm gonna miss the WBB. What I won't miss is that waitress, who after the night was over I saw her at a distance on a cell phone arguing with somebody and wondering loudly...and arrogantly...why she wasn't getting any respect. I guess she's learning about what karma is, if you catch my drift...
- In digging around the Internet and doing a basic Google search on myself (insert obvious "googling" joke here), I rediscovered an old blog I did for the liberal website ProgressOhio when I was more politically active (on the political front I'm a moderate leaning left). I decided to copy the blog entries from there before they got erased from ProgressOhio's website. I've posted them as individual entries which you can find in Past Editions under the "ProgressOhio" headings. Most of the entries are safe or neutral but some might not be, so if you're a bit politically averse, opposite, or sensitive, this might not be for you...or maybe it would be, just for kicks, but the warning's out there just in case.
- Song on repeat: "Medicine" by Marcos Hernandez. I don't normally go for songs or artists who are not part of the mainstream or whose songs are not that well known, but I'm making an exception here because this guy's really good. You might not be all that familiar with Marcos Hernandez but he had a couple of ballads on radio a few years back: 'If You Were Mine" and "The Way I Do." Now they were alright but later on I came across his Myspace page with some different songs such as "Endless Nights," "Letter," and a few others. Bottom line, this guy's talented and has some really great stuff. You can read his story here at this website, but after he released a couple of albums ("C About Me" and "Endless Nights"), his label TVT Records went under. He was on his own for a while, but he was getting disillusioned with the music biz. Still wanting to make a difference, he decided to serve his country joined the U.S. Marine Corps in mid-2008. He's still in the Marines, but a few months back he decided to get back into the music business and joined up with The Entertainment District label. "Medicine" is his first song since rejoining the biz and it's on iTunes (along with his old stuff, I think, but some of his other songs are on the link I provided to his story).
- SLP to the following: Debbie, Holly, Pastory Cory, Dave, Cheryl, Ernest, Griff, Scarlet, April (happy birthday), Steve, George, Scott E.,the Westerville Browns Backers (I'm gonna miss you guys), Maggie, my sister Katie (happy birthday), my brother Chris (happy birthday), Jamie (happy birthday), Sonya (happy birthday), Rhonda (happy birthday), Shane D. (happy birthday), Rita D. (happy birthday), Jen C. (happy birthday), Mike L. (happy birthday), Anna (happy birthday, beautiful), and Walt (happy birthday).
I can't believe how much literary exposition I just engaged in here...if you can call it that. Before I go, I want to send my prayers out to those affected by the tornados in the South and pray for the best. Until next time...take care and God Bless.
DJ
